Mothers!

The other night a friend came over for a sanity check. It concerned the trials and tribulations of caring for an elderly mother, with the added burden of having to deal with siblings who have more than the usual amount of dysfunctional idiosyncrasies.

I wonder if I've been lucky, if you can call it that, as my mother died three weeks before my 20th birthday. We fought and argued, pushed each others buttons, and generally had a stormy relationship for the last couple of years of her life. On one occasion I remember her saying, "You began adolescence three years early, I expect you'll finish three years early!" No such luck. It continued beyond, what I suppose was the normal duration.

There were several incidents in my teen-aged years when if I hadn't needed psychotherapy before she died, I certainly needed it after.

I remember one afternoon when I was helping her do some clean-up in the garage when she turned to me and said, "Everyone thinks that your brother is my favorite. That's not true. You sister is my favorite." ARGH!!

Earlier, when I was about 10 or so, I helped her prepare her notes for a lecture she was giving on answering children's questions about sex. A year or so later I asked her what the word "menstruation" meant and instead of answering me, she handed me 5 books and said, "Here - Read!" ARGH and ARGH again.

She was a piece of work.

On one hand, her death did enabled me to develop a sense of independence, and removed the masking of relationship issues I needed to resolve with my father, yet I did not have either a guiding hand in my twenties and beyond. I didn't really get that from my step-mother or sisters. I often wonder what my life would have been like had she not died. (Cancer, by the way, in case you were wondering) I'll never know.

I wished she could have been more like June Cleaver, than the world famous teacher, lecturer, pscyhologist, inspiration to many. Perhaps as an adult we could have had a friendship, characterized by mutual respect and a healthy interest in each other. I'm sure there are some things in my life of which she'd approve, and many she would not. It would have been interesting to have had those discussions.

So if you're fortuante to have your mother in your life or a suitable stand-in, be sure to have those conversations with her. Mothers, and fathers too, do tend to get smarter as we get older.